He held my hand…3:00 am

Truth is, I held his
Lilting leeward, void of wind

Sailboat run aground

Whispered breaths now ebb and flow

Sinking into summer sand
I held what was my father’s hand
Now almost white and somewhat cold
Lifeless, so it seems to be
The monitor says otherwise
A compromise of tangled tubes,

Fluorescent lights, four beige walls

Oxygen flows into his nose
Electronic pulse of a heartbeat
Keeping time…hollow pings

Sound to guide you home

His hands look so different now
I watched him use them many times
To build things, to fix his cars, to tie fishing flies,
Holding Mom, lifting me up on his shoulders
Telling stories around the kitchen table

Like a maestro conducting conversations with his friends

Center of attention he was back then…talking with his hands
Once, when I was ten, I cut the neighbor’s peach tree down

Finding out, he gave me a backhand…

his college ring left a scar over my left eye…

The first and last time he hit me
When I was eight, I watched him

punch a road-rager in the face
Yes, good hands, as far as I could tell
The hand I’m holding now, I shook it many times
Iron grip with a kiss and hug, hello
Once so strong, they were
Once so strong, he was
He was…
Flying stalwart, providing, surviving
Now so distant…what does he see?

So far away…where is he?
A netherworld?
Otherworld?
Can you hear me?
I know you’re there…
Listening to me blather
You asked me once…years before
That if you were to die
Promise you’ll take care of mom

But she’s gone, and now it isn’t if you die,
but when…the nurse said any time
So I ramble nervously
Reminiscing to a fault
A word to a sentence
A paragraph to a page
A pen to write your epitaph
Roses for your waiting grave
And if you leave this world today
What at all would be surmised
A life in transit, maybe yes
A state of grace we second guess
Netherworld or otherworld?
I know you’re in there somewhere
Can you hear me, Dad?

I see you, son, inside my mind
I sense you’re sitting by my side
These bitter seconds sift like sand
Feel you as you hold my hand
Yes, trapped inside this mind, I lay
Words without form, without sound
Is it much the same with you?
He looks down at me
Yes, there you are…
I was seeing you as a child…
Eleven, I think it was
But here, you’re so much older now
Grey hair, brown eyes, some age lines here and there
Handsome son…how long has it been?
Seems like yesterday we were fishing at Keech Pond
Beautiful summer morning; it was
You caught your first fish…little 5” bass
I have an 8-millimeter of it somewhere
How old are you now? How old am I?
You look down at me…teary-eyed…don’t cry
As if
As if
I’m already gone
Holding onto a conversation
Long overdue
If you only knew

I could have said so much more
Affirmations by the score
It’s far too late, we find the will
But time stands still
Yes, time stands still
Then races swiftly by
Wink of an eye and all that
Poetic mayhem
Now your heart is in your eyes…

I feel your pain; what’s on your mind?

I remember when I got divorced
Moved back home for a spell
It’s hard to tell
But I get the impression, or got, at the time
That you were slipping slowly by
This I can’t deny
Too much TV…fantasy
Escaping dull reality
Friends don’t come around much
So easily out of touch, we get
A drink or two and then one more
I wasn’t there for long, but looking back
I could have used my time more wisely
It was a gift of sorts…of time
I could have talked more,
I remember coming home late from my DJ shift
Mom asleep, and you in your chair
Hello Dad, how was your night?
I’m off to bed, and you’re still sitting there
Watching the world pass by in endless cycles of news
X-files, Stargate, Star Trek,
Silly future scapes
Invented for the sole purpose of distraction
A grand subtraction
Replacing real memories with nonsense
Yes, I had more than a few moments to sit and chat
But enough of that
Enough of that
You stare up to the ceiling…
What’s behind your eyes, Dad?

What are you thinking of?

And if I were to die today
Not so much if, but when
It’s close, can you feel it? I’m sure it’s at the door
The nurse and doctor spoke before
Thinking I can’t hear
But I do hear my son
Everything is crystal clear
You hold my hand
I feel your breath
The words you speak like solemn prayers
Like a confession
Similar to the priest who came to visit earlier
Last rites, they call it…

but I never gave it any thought
Who does? We fall and fall
And think we’ll never hit the ground
The lucky pass away without a sound
But I listened to every word
Accepted my salvation
You’ve always known me as an atheist
Convicted by my own words, I was
But now, I know it’s true
I said as much without words
In my heart
Yes, I’m ready
I forgive myself
Peace is here…do you feel it?
Like a long-lost friend
Much the same as you, my son
Remember when?
Those precious years…
Before school
Before the world took hold
Before time became a burden
Now, we are one
A memory in the making
Your mother is here with me…do you see her?
You have nothing else to worry about
No concerns to cloud your head
For time is collective
At the moment of our death
Now, we are one
Now, we are one
Goodbye in a whisper
Fate inside a final breath
Clear your mind son…
Clear your mind

All is darkness

I saw what little life was left
Leave your face, replaced with gray
They say our life flies in a flash
With every choice we’ve ever made
The line on your horizon’s flat
The pulse is now a tolling drone
My tears upon your forehead
With a kiss, I say goodbye
A touch upon my shoulder
“I’m so sorry,” the nurse says.
What else can she say?
Those words forever haunt me
Did they bother you as well?
I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry
Watching somewhere above your body?
Or are you in the light already?
A vortex of forgiveness?
Or on a journey to damnation?
I believe you are forgiven
The doctor appears and sidles up beside my thoughts
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” he says.
Skipping like a record off the walls, it sadly plays
I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry for your loss

TM DiSarro
©2024 TM DiSarro / MindScapes Publishing

Art: PINTEREST

From: THE MEMORY OF RAIN